Law of Probable Dispersal:
        Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

A friend with weed is a friend indeed.

In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Too cool to calypso,
Too tough to tango,
Too weird to watusi
                -- The Only Ones

Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
                -- Hal Hickman

"A witty saying proves nothing."
                -- Voltaire

"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up."
                -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"

It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
        The one who has the gold makes the rules.

I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.

You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If everything on the road of life seems to
be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Trying is the first step towards failure.
                -- Homer Simpson

Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
                -- Laurie Anderson

In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop
out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques.
                -- Art Linkletter

HAPPINESS:
        Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.


Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
for they become soggy and hard to light.

Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal,
for they are subtle and quick to anger.


Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Hear about...
        the farmer who couldn't keep his
        hands off his wife so he fired them?

Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.

Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offence.
                -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5

Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor
out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be
equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart
that he might love her.
                -- Henry

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
You'll learn a lot today.

You can cage a swallow, can't you,
        but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
        finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
                -- The Palindromist

I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
                -- Strange de Jim

Neckties strangle clear thinking.
                -- Lin Yutang

Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
bend a disk.
                -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
                   commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
                   of their movement.

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
great force.
                -- Dorothy Parker

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
        You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
        reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
        Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most
        Libra women are prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal
        disease.

The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

Imagination
...
According to the current doctrines of mysticoscientism, we human animals are
really and actually nothing but "organic patterns of nodular energy composed
of collocations of infinitesimal points oscillating on the multi-dimensional
coordinates of the space-time continuum". I'll have to think about that.
Sometime. Meantime, I'm going to gnaw on this sparerib, drink my Blatz beer,
and contemplate the a posteriori coordinates of that young blonde over yonder,
the one in the tennis skirt, tying her shoelaces. ...
	-- edward abbey

"Dead people are good at running because they don't
have to stop and breathe."
        -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead"

If only you knew she loved you, you could
face the uncertainty of whether you love her.

"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
                -- the bored of the rings

In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?

Like ya know?  Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the
creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their
essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving
the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting
rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun.
                -- Senior Year Quote

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
                -- English Professor

If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
masturbate.
                -- Diogenes the Cynic

The world is a comedy to those who think,
and a tragedy to those who feel.
                -- Horace Walpole

MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday
night.  The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians
waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for
the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase.  The stalemate was
broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted
the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities.
At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're
full of ka-ka."  This started a fight and the match was called by officials.

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
                -- Wm. Shakespeare

If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
                -- Tommy Earl Bruner

Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
plain sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has
it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was
arrested for drunk driving.  The snakes left because people kept
throwing up on them.

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.

MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!
        Please, don't drink and derive.

        Mathematicians
        Against
        Drunk
        Deriving

"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play
golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
cottage cheese sculpture."